lunatunalover

I'm totally in love with the new Jaejoong/Yoochun/Junsu song. We don't know the official title but I call it "W" in my head. It's beautiful and makes me want to cry. I truly believe they will reunite as DBSK one day and when they do, I will be at the concert. And because I feel like it, the lyrics...

CREDIT: This is something I put time, effort, and as corny as it may sound, heart into. If you use this, please credit to  Alicia (http://lunatunalover.livejournal.com)  Thank you


夜空に浮かんだ
星が文字を描き出すのは
偶然じゃないと
今もまだ信じてるよ
　　　Suspended in the night sky,
　　　The letter the stars began to form
　　　Wasn't just a coincidence
　　　Even now, I believe that

同じ闇の中で　同じ距離のままで
W＜ダブル＞を描き続けている
　　　In the same darkness, at the same distance
　　　Always depicting "W"

君に見つかるように　もっと輝くから
Keep in mind that I love you.
　　　So you can find it, it'll shine brighter
　　　Keep in mind that I love you

きっと　いつか逢えるから
目を閉じる度君を想う
君が居ることが
今もまだあたりまえなんだよ
　　　I'm sure we'll meet again someday
　　　Whenever I close my eyes, I think of you
　　　That you'd be here,
　　　Is a given, even now

ただ今は君が幸せであるとを願い
僕らの階段をひとつひとつ登っていくよ
僕らはまだ僕らの未来を想像しながら
君を待ってるよ
　　　Now I'm just wishing for your happiness
　　　We'll climb the stairs before us, one by one
　　　And as we continue to imagine our future,
　　　We'll be waiting for you

きっと　いつか逢えるから
目を閉じる度君を想う
君が居ることが
今もまだあたりまえなんだよ
　　　I'm sure we'll meet again someday
　　　Whenever I close my eyes, I think of you
　　　That you'd be here,
　　　Is a given, even now

いつか逢えるまで
君の居場所は守ってるよ
君ともう一度
笑えると信じているから
　　　Until we meet again,
　　　I'll protect the place you belong
　　　I believe we'll be able to smile together once again

時が流れても
どんな痛みが待っていても
君はいつまでも僕たちの”プライド”なんだよ
　　　No matter how much time passes,
　　　Or what pain awaits us,
　　　You'll always be our "pride"

夜空に浮かんだ
星に君が呟いたのは
さよならじゃないと
今もまだ信じてるよ
　　　What you whispered
　　　To the stars in the night sky
　　　Wasn't "goodbye"
　　　Even now, I believe that

同じ空の下で　同じ夢を描き
W＜ダブル＞を探し続けている
　　　Under the same sky, with the same dream
　　　We keep searching for "W"

同じ形のまま　ずっと輝くから
Keep in mind that I love you.
　　　It will always shine that shape, so
　　　Keep in mind that I love you

逢いたくて…
　　　I miss you...

きっと　いつか逢えるから
目を閉じる度君を想う
君が居ることが
今もまだあたりまえなんだよ
　　　I'm sure we'll meet again someday
　　　Whenever I close my eyes, I think of you
　　　That you'd be here,
　　　Is a given, even now

いつか逢えるまで
君の居場所は守ってるよ
君ともう一度
笑えると信じているから
　　　Until we meet again,
　　　I'll protect the place you belong
　　　I believe we'll be able to smile together once again

Such a beautiful song <3 AKTF!

(Also, deja vu is such a strange feeling.. it happened when I was typing the "under the same sky, with the same dream" part. I felt like I'd translated it that way before and someone didn't agree and was like "how do you know it's dream and not 'dreams'?".... o.O so weird)

I just realized I never posted on LJ that I was accepted by the JET Program... after all that angsty posting xD But yes, I will be heading for Japan towards the end of July. I know the name of the city I'll be living in but not what schools (ie, shou and chuugakkou vs koukou) or where within the city specifically I'll be. I'm ridiculously excited and woefully unprepared. I'm working on rememedying the latter ^^

Forewarning: This entry was written in Wordpad after I read something about fear of success and stepping outside of our comfort zones. It's long (even for me) and perhaps somewhat disjointed...

I tend to talk myself out of things before I even really try. For some months, I talked myself out of re-applying for JET. Thankfully though, the more I thought about it, the more I felt I should give at another go. Besides, what did I have to lose? It would either make things better or put me back right where I was pre-application process. As JET notification gets closer and closer, I'm trying to stop myself from slipping into a negative mindset. Part of me is going "I don't know how to/can not do this job, I don't know how to represent my country, American culture, etc etc" while another smaller part is going "I can do this. I can teach these young adults the basic, somewhat conversational English skills they need for their exams. I can teach to some extent about American culture/social norms just by being me. I can make their school days better by offering motivation, someone to talk to, by being cheerful and encouraging." The hopeful voice is much quieter than the pessimistic voice, the doubts attacking it until it's barely a whisper. And I don't know how to fix this.

I think, "well, I need to distract myself"... but I tend to run away from issues, so I worry (there's that word again!) that this is just me trying to not have to deal with it. But then I think, "well, there isn't much I can do at this point other than try to not let the negativity get me and go outside, enjoy the warmer weather, get some exercise, clean my room, throw out most of this old stuff I've had sitting around for the last ten years or so of my life just because I might need it or want it."

And I think some of it is linked to the general uncertainty I feel about my future. I know on a somewhat-more-rational level that I don't really need to know exactly what I want to do with my life right this second but I still feel like I do. I feel like I have no direction and I don't like that. My life thus far has been a logical progression through the education system but now I'm out of my element and I don't know what I'm doing. The me that tends to run away is the voice that says "just go to grad school" because then I don't have to deal with so many unknowns. Yes, grad school is different than undergrad, but it's still the academic sphere, the only world I really feel comfortable occupying. And once again, I hit that fear of the unknown, the unwillingness to step out of my comfort zone. And yet, I'm pretty okay with going to foreign countries and working/living there... I don't understand my brain >.< I also know that I am not ready for graduate school. I don't have the life skills, experiences, or the discipline to tackle that beast yet. Plus, I'm not even sure what I really want to study there. I seem to be on some funky rotation between continuing Japanese, pursuing a Masters in Information Science, and getting Education/Teaching degree/ESL certification tracks.

And in the midst of all the doubts swirling about, the voices saying JET won't want me and even if they did, I couldn't do the job well, I still feel JET is what I have to do. It is the essential piece in the puzzle. I've planned to do JET for the last six or so years but I didn't truly understand how important it was to me until I didn't get it last year. Even though I'm frightened about getting the job, I'm much more scared about not getting the job. I know that some trepidation is normal, everyone (or at least, I think everyone) feels some concern when they make a big change/life decision and I know I can and will adjust. I know that I could be really good at this. Yet now, as it gets closer and closer to notification, I fear more and more that I won't be given that chance, that I didn't show the interviewers how much I could offer, how I would put in 150%, that I needed to do this, to have an impact on young adults lives, to have this stepping stone to my future in place.

 And I feel so selfish because so much of why I want this job is about me and I don't think it should be. It shouldn't be about me getting to live in Japan, me earning money, me improving my Japanese, me figuring out what I'm doing with my life. It shouldn't. Journal, do others have this issue? Not only is there the positive thoughts/negative thoughts battle inside me, there's also a battle of selflessness vs selfishness. Or at least, that's how I perceive it. The more I want something or the more value I place on it, the more I feel like whatever it is is selfish. But I know, rationally, that you can't just give and give and give. At some point, you give away too much. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish... I do, technically, know this, but as they say, things are always different in practice than they are in theory.

I already have issues because I have some pretty high standards as to how people should treat others, despite my fears that I can be a hypocrite at times >.< Or as my mom would put it, I'm too critical. And somehow, even though I know it isn't the case, I tend to go about life and/or do things thinking others are on the same page as me. And sometimes, when I "give", I don't want any acknowledgment; I just want to give and have it be accepted, no thanks/fanfare necessary. Yet other times, when I give and it isn't noticed or the other shows no gratitude whatsoever, a part of me sort of me frowns and feels disappointed; "What's the problem? Did I not do/give enough?," it says. And shortly after that, yet another part of me goes "why are you expecting something in return? That's not being kind or selfless, that's being selfish." Is there any middle ground? Because I fear I am so selfish, Journal. Sometimes I worry that's why I think I don't need a relationship; I'm too selfish to want to compromise with another person, to have to fit into their life rather than just live mine. I am unwilling to change myself and I've been taught that, at least on some level, this is necessary for a relationship to work. That, or I just need to find a soul that's just as independent as I am, so we can co-exist and share, yet remain on most levels separate. And as I glance back at this paragraph, I think "does this all just boil down to low self-esteem and self-confidence? And do I care far too much what others think?" Sigh.

As I've managed to veer completely off the topic of JET, I guess I'll just stop here. In short, and getting briefly back on topic:,I feel I need to do JET, even if it seems selfish or frightening. It's the most important piece of the puzzle and without it, I have no idea how to fit the other pieces together.

As early April and notification of my status with the JET Programme draws ever near, I find myself more and more pondering the 'what if I don't get JET?', 'do I want a career, so to speak?', 'is Japan where I want to live?', 'what am I going to study in grad school/am I going to grad school at some point?' , 'what am I doing with my life?' sort of questions. My mom says not to think too much, that I'll have the answer soon, but telling me not to think about it is like telling me not to breathe (that, or talk). I'm thinking, pondering, questioning most of my waking hours. Which led me to a moment of, 'does everyone think about these things? Surely they do... why in the world don't we talk to each other about them?' Okay, so we talk about it sometimes. I have the occasional 'gah what are we doing with our lives?!?' conversation with close friends, usually over the phone, but it does happen every now and again. But if everyone thinks about these things, why do we not talk more? Why don't we question with each other? Is it the whole 'putting yourself out there' issue that I sometimes have trouble understanding? I don't know. See, another question with no answer! And of course, it's the one that opens the door to conversations, perhaps meaningful conversations or important ones or maybe even heartfelt ones. We don't know if we never have them.

Maybe some of this pondering is personality related? It's true that some of my close friends and I think very differently. My thoughts on other people, the ones we see briefly in the supermarket when we're looking for the ever-elusive-Parmesan Garlic Cheezits or the ones that take our orders in a restaurant, the ones we don't really know but whom are part of our lives nonetheless, I want to know them. Or if not know them, know about them. Why are they working here? What are their goals? What are their interests? Why? How? Perhaps all this questioning is a sign I should have been a scientist of some sort. But really, the world at large is not what interests me, it's the people that occupy it. And perhaps other people don't have these thoughts or these questions? I don't know because this isn't something people really talk about often.

Actually, I've had one conversation about this topic, so I'm making an assumption in sentence two of the above paragraph that other friends also think differently than I about this. It was with Mallory in a Subway in Walmart. We got dinner and the young woman that took our orders and made our sandwiches just seemed like she was a little frazzled. Mallory had gotten her order and headed to the table but I had yet to place and receive mine. I placed my order and asked her how she was doing. I can no longer remember the details of her answer but the gist was that it'd been a long day, something or another had gone a bit wrong, and she was ready to get home. We chatted while she made my sandwich and after I'd paid, I wished her a good evening and a better tomorrow (or something along those lines). Once I made it over to our table, I relayed the story to Mallory, commenting that I'd thought the woman seemed a little upset and had been curious what was up. This led me to ask Mal if she ever did that, wonder about the people she encountered and she sort of laughed and said 'usually I just want to get away from people.' That wasn't exactly how she phrased it and she certainly didn't say it in a mean-spirited way or anything of that sort, but it just struck me as so odd that she too didn't want to know who these other people were, what circumstances had led them here, what are their dreams, are they happy, etc. I for one want to know but maybe I'm just nosy.

At this point I've forgotten where exactly I was heading with all this (or if there was a destination in the first place) so I'll end with this:

It seems we talk so little to other people but this isn't technically true. Sometimes, we talk a lot to other people, but I wonder why we don't talk about certain things. Is this part of why we try to 'mate for life', so to speak? To have one person we can feel close enough to that we can ponder like this with them? Someone we can ask what makes you tick, why do you think/say/do that, when did such-and-such happen, who influences you, where did you do that? Why can't we ponder like this with anyone and everyone? Children do. Children ask questions all the time. They want to know who, what, when, where, why, about everything. Am I just childish? Do we think we know the answers by the time we reach adulthood? Or do we think we should and therefore don't ask anymore? Is it just that it's no longer socially appropriate and becomes prying? Do other people wonder about this questioning or the lack thereof? Is it just me? I don't know.

You may laugh but this is a totally true statement *nods* You used to have to leave your home to shop... now I have 20 tabs open and can switch between browsing online stores and looking at pictures of DBSK/reading random things in Japanese/checking my email. It is both wonderful and very bad. Of course, the only reason I say it's very bad is because I just spent $25 on pens and ink refills o.O

When I went to Japan, I got some pretty awesome pens. One of them is Pilot's HI-TEC-C Coleto a multi-cartridge pen. It has three colors -- black, violet, and pink. While I still have some ink left in the pink and violet cartridges, the black is almost empty. I made the mistake of consulting the internets and what did I find? This site: JetPens. What do they sell? Japanese stationery stuffs... including, of course, ink refills for my pen. How can you not buy it?? Sooo many colors!

They of course have free shipping... on orders above $25 dollars. So one 10-color pack, 2 other colored inks, one more pen body, and two different pens later, I have completed my $27 order. I really really like cool pens. Ridiculous color selection? Oh yeah, that's a major plus. I could see this being problematic. My ink search also led me to this blog called PenAddict which made me really happy and influenced my selection of the two aforementioned new and shiny-awesome sounding pens XD Because seriously, who can resist a pen that is not only purple on the outside but also contains "lavender black" ink? No one, I tell you, no one. Just lookat it!



Also, the image below is from the PenAddict blog. It shows a blue pen body and some of the colors the HI-TEC-C Coleto ink comes in... none of which I purchased except for Aqua Blue. It looks like a lovely shade!



So yes, the JetPens website has many awesome looking pens, pencils, erasers, and notebooks. I may be slowly but surely saying goodbye to my cash.

I'm reading a book by Daniel Gilbert called "Stumbling on Happiness" and he makes the argument that humans are unique from other animals in the way we imagine and think about the future. And it's true; we're always thinking about what comes next or where we'll be x-number of months/years down the road and so on. But I wonder, could he also argue we're the only animal that thinks about the past so extensively?

I watched the Olympics tonight and they were finishing up women's figure skating (they did their long programs). Yuna Kim (South Korea) took gold, Mao Asada (Japan) took silver, and Joannie Rochette (Canada) took bronze. And yet, Mao didn't look particularly happy. I can understand, as both she and Yuna (as well as all the skaters, really) were under such great pressure to take gold for their country, plus Japan-Korea relations tend to be a sore spot. It wasn't just winning for their country, it was about beating the other Asian competition.

It's so easy as a third party to watch the medal ceremony and think 'why aren't you smiling? You did so well!' I'm not her, so I can see all the positives of this accomplishment but it's amazing to me how much things change once it's you in the 2nd best shoes. Because the more I thought about it, the more I realized I'd be doing the same thing were I in her place. I likely wouldn't be seeing it as something wonderful, I'd be thinking 'if only I'd been better, I'd be getting gold right now.'  I'm probably oversimplifying things, as one tends to do when trying to see things from someone else's perspective, but it really is intriguing how much we can beat ourselves up. That saying, 'you are your own worst critic,'  tends to ring true.

And I wonder, why do we fixate so on things we can not change? We're all guilty of it; sometimes I worry I'm living more in the past than the present. When I did the JET interview last year, after the initial "that went alright" period, my thoughts took increasingly negative turns and within several hours, all I could focus on was 'gah, why did I say  ____  when I should have said  ____?' As much as others told me not to dwell on it and as much as I tried to tell myself to stop worrying, I'd still come back to the same place. What purpose does it serve? It certainly adds to worry and stress. Is it so we don't repeat the same mistakes in the future?

I'd argue it's more to do with learning from past mistakes than anything else. Thinking back over my life, there are of course a multitude of fond memories but there're also a surprising number of negative events/outcomes littering the memory horizon. The only purpose I can think they serve is as a reminder/warning of what should be done/not done in the future to avoid similar outcomes. And as good as I feel about the JET interview this year, I of course still go back and nit-pick the mistakes and answers I gave that could have been better. The saying 'hindsight is 20-20' also holds true.

I'd agree with Daniel Gilbert that we spend much of our time thinking about the future, planning for future selves and all that jazz. But I also wonder how much time we spend in the past. We indeed spend time in the present but the time we devote to the future and past seems to me to outweigh our focus on the here and now. And why is that as people get older they seem to live more and more in the past? Is it because now there's less future to imagine? Has experience in the world taught us that we imagine too big and should stop rather than be let down?

To hear my dad talk, you'd think things were just peachy 'back in the day.' I suppose this goes hand in hand with the fallacy of memory... we tend to remember incorrectly, fill in gaps with things that didn't happen, and paint a rosier memory of events than what actually transpired. But this isn't always true, I don't think. Goodness know when I think back on the JET interview from last year, it just gets more and more negative XD I suppose what I'm really hoping is that I'm not creating a rosier version this time around than what really occurred!

There are no real answers to any of these ponderings but this fixation on the past/the negatives definitely intrigues me. If anyone stumbles on this (or anyone I know reads this) I'm curious to know what you think! And on that note, I think I'll remove the cat from my back, get under my blankets, and go to sleep :-)

P.S.-- If at some point later in life, I end up with a surplus of money or I can find funding for it somehow, I want a psychology degree. I've always said, as odd as it may sound, that what I'm most fascinated by/curious about is people. One of my friends and I have even discussed our very different "people approaches;" she doesn't want to talk to lots of people she doesn't know (in fact, usually she wants to avoid them) whereas I generally find myself wanting to talk to people, wondering who they are, what are their circumstances, how's their day going, etc..... or perhaps I'm just extremely nosy? XD Alright, sleep for real y'all <3

So I had a JET interview, again, this past Friday *nods* I feel much better about this year than the one from last year. I was still nervous. In fact, I think at one point I literally said "sorry, trying to find moisture" because my mouth was dry as sand.. whoops XD It was a mess trying to get to the interview itself though...

Long story (somewhat) short: we left the hotel at 10:30am for what should have been a 10 minute drive, missed our exit, took the next one to turn around, found out the exit was merging us with another interstate and then hit traffic, got directions from a gas station attendant for how to get back where we needed to be, called the consulate to say we were having some problems and might be a little late, finally got back to the right exit, couldn't find the consulate, was rescued by a phone call from the JET coordinator at the consulate, couldn't quite find the building, called the consulate to get help, finally made it to Alliance Center o.O It was long and complicated and I was so relieved I could cry when they told us we'd still be seen, though we might have to wait a little.

I had to wait about 10-15 minutes, so no big deal, other than that it gave time for my nerves to come back >.< It was funny though because when the woman came to fetch me, I looked up and my brain immediately went 'I think that's the Japanese woman who interviewed me last year.... nah, couldn't be'... and about 20 seconds later she goes 'I think I interviewed you last year' XD My other two interviewers were new and they were very congenial. The man knew Bardsley! This made me very happy. Is it bad I immediately decided I liked this man because he knew Bardsley? Well I did ^^ Usually if you're friends with her, that says good things about you... or at least, it does in my book! And the other young woman was a former JET who seemed really nice. I could definitely see myself being friends with her had we been in the program at the same time.

There were a few questions I had to think on/struggled with but overall it seemed smother than the first time. I was still nervous but not so much so that I couldn't think... which is mostly what happened last year. I would be asked a question and then my brain would just go 'oh my god, I don't know, how do I answer this, panic!' So, much improvement this time around! Though I think I stared down at the table semi-often while I gathered my thoughts... why exactly I don't know ^^;; Likely nerves related; looking down = not seeing them looking (expectantly) at me, therefore easier to process the question and figure out how I'd respond to it. I did look at them while answering... I hope XD

In any case, I left the interview this time around feeling more confident than before. I figure I was an alternate last year, so worst comes to worst, I'd be an alternate again. And last year, within 24 hours of the interview, I'd basically convinced myself I wouldn't get it and even though I wanted the email to tell me I'd been hired, I wasn't all that surprised when I saw I had been wait-listed. I personally feel better about this interview; I was more myself, though the nerves definitely impeded some of that, and I was better prepared. I did a bit more soul searching as to why I wanted to do this and tried to show that to the interviewing panel. Now all I can do is hope that I showed them I was capable of doing the job and excited and enthusiastic for the new experiences and challenges it would provide. Well, that, and wait about five weeks for their decision :-)

Well, I finished my JET application! So yay for that, though now I just have to wait and wait and wait and... >.<

I think I was somewhat in shock when I found out I was an alternate for last year, despite part of me being like 'yep, I knew it'. But ya know, I've been thinking and generally, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Last year, a friend of mine applied but wasn't given an interview (we suspect her application didn't make the received-by date). This year, she too has re-applied (and overnight-mailed her application XD) and if she doesn't get an interview, I think hell might freeze over. No, really, her statement of purpose is that good. If we both get accepted, words can not describe how amazingly wonderful that would be. Plus, we asked to be placed near each other, which may lead to extra awesome Mt. Fuji climbing adventures and karaoke. Do want!

I can't help thinking that maybe last year just wasn't "my time," so-to-speak. If I had been accepted, I wouldn't have been able to see my grandmother when she came to visit for a week during her several months of travel. At 82, this may be the last road-trip she does. I wouldn't have been able to spend these past months getting together with Mallory for lunch, hiking, dinner, movies, laughing, geocaching, shopping, talking, baking adventures, etc. I would have gone from college, where I saw my parents once every fewcouple months, to being home a couple months and then gone for about five months. Plus, I don't really know if coming home for Christmas from Japan will be feasible at first because air travel to/from Japan is ridiculously expensive. We're going to Uncle John's new place in Ohio for Thanksgiving, something else I would have missed. And now it's looking as though Uncle John and Aunt Barbie (or possibly my dad's sister, Mary) may even come for Christmas.

Because I wasn't chosen for JET, I've spent/will spend a lot of time with friends and family that would otherwise not have been possible. If someone said 'you can have the JET program but you can't keep any of the experiences you've had since graduation', I think I'd have to decline. I suppose I'm trying to say that what I've been thinking of as personal failure, the worst rejection, may have been a blessing in disguise. That's not to say I don't want to be chosen this time, I really do! But at least now I can go having spent time with those I love before it becomes impossible to be with them physically for quite some time.

With all the craziness of the Jaejoong, Junsu, and Yoochun vs SME case, I just need to say somewhere that I love them and really wish DBSK group activities to resume. I'm rather doubtful about the Yunho/Changmin-on-SME's-side-letter that has surfaced because it just feels wrong but I hope that if for some reason that is the case, the boys can work together to figure something out (preferably without all these secretive/sudden 'announcements'). Because really, the awesomeness that is DBSK not being together over shit like this.... it isn't worth all this media melodrama. 도방신기화이팅! 東方神起大大大好き！